The Busy Person's Guide to Maintaining the Spark
Some of you will likely know that in addition to writing for Kiiroo I run my own sex blog, Emmeline Peaches Reviews. However, what you might not know is that I’m also in the final year of my Ph.D., I do other freelance work, I exercise regularly, and I host two social events a week. Realistically that doesn’t leave a lot of time for spontaneous sexual encounters (shocking, I know) and I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t hard at times.
But a busy professional life shouldn’t have to mean a scarce sex life. We work to live, after all, not live to work, and maintaining a happy relationship is incredibly fulfilling for many people and so it deserves time and attention. This is easier said than done, though, and I understand that.
Thankfully there are quite a few words of advice from (presumably also very busy) professionals who want to help couples find the time for each other even on a busy schedule. Busy lives are diverse lives, and not all of these recommendations will work for you. But hopefully, you’ll find some gems in this article to help you reprioritize your sex life.
Communication is a fundamental aspect of a good relationship, and trying to negotiate sex and a busy schedule is not exempt from this.
If you feel like work is hindering your sex life then the first step to improving the situation is to talk about it. Relationship advice experts, Relate, agree on this in their own article. ‘If you feel like there’s an issue with your sex life’, they say, ‘the first thing to do is figure out why. The best way to do that is to talk to your partner’.
Once the lines of communication are open you can discuss the practicalities of working on your sex life and what will and won’t work for both of you. Relate have great advice on how to navigate this conversation, but it’s fair to say that opening up, listening to them, and being empathetic are three very important elements of this important conversation.
Schedule a Sex Night
Scheduling sex may not seem like the most romantic thing in the world but sometimes it can be a literal lifeline for your sex life. In fact, 2014 was almost considered the year of ‘Scheduled sex’ due to the rise in the practice in recent years, with many people finding solace in making time for each other ahead of time.
For those who might be apprehensive about scheduled sex losing its spark Janice Epp, Ph.D. has some reassuring words. ‘Some people say, ‘Sex should be spontaneous!’ to which I say ‘B*llshit!’ You plan other things in your life and you don’t complain about it. You can do the same with sex.’
Treat your scheduled sex sessions with a sense of excitement and enthusiasm. Send texts to your partner prior to the night, letting them know what you want to do to them. Make sure you’ve set the scene and gone to the effort when the time is right. If your partner is traveling then sex sessions are still possible thanks to sex tech such as Kiiroo, so there’s no reason to hold back.
Having this time set aside means that you can focus on your work during the week without any pressure while knowing that, come to your sex session, you’re going to give it your all. That being said…
As the great, late Robin Williams once said ‘Carpe Diem: Seize the day’. Okay, so a whole day might not be achievable when you’re living a busy life but the point still stands.
When you and your partner find spontaneous moments alone together seize on them as best you can. Show each other affection, go out of an impulsive date night. Do something, anything together that helps strengthen your bond.
Don’t dismiss the power of a ‘quickie’ either. It may not provide the longer sessions of intimacy that you crave but research has suggested that quickies can improve a couple’s sex life, so they may prove to be a valuable tool.
Don’t Let Perfection Be the Enemy of Good Enough
Epp hit the nail on the head when she said the following: ‘Sex is perfectly natural but it’s not always naturally perfect’.
If you’re lacking in the sex department you may be tempted to try and reclaim your old levels of sexual activity straight away, but this might be an error. Pressuring each other to have sex will make it less of a fun activity to share and more like a burden that one partner imposes on the other. This will ultimately cause more harm than good.
So, what’s the solution? When tackling your sex life together do so without strong expectations. Be flexible and enjoy the moment. Sometimes you’ll want to jump each other but sometimes hugging may be the most that you can muster and that’s okay.
Just remember the important part is that you’re taking the time out to be together and make your love life a priority. Once you build on that then your sexual appetites will follow in kind.